Happiness?

Hi, it's been a while yep I know.
So happiness, what is the first thing you remember about happiness?

Happiness is a noun. A thing that everyone wish to have. Or a thing that everyone would do anything to have. But have you ever imagine or does it ever just crossed your mind, like I mean do you think that you are happy right now? Do you think that you have that happiness? Do you feel grateful and blessed for all the thing that you have right now?

Alright, let's start it.....

Well, I'm a 18 teenage girl, who is currently busy in university life. It was fun at the start, no, it's not like I'm saying it bores me now. It just kind of getting in my nerves. I truly am happy for my uni thingy, but it feels like I'm in my comfort zone. I want something more. Like something that is challenging me. But well that's not the topic lol.

A definition of happy for me is being surrounded by people who loves and cares for you. And I do have them. But the problem is that I was that kind of want-everything-to-be-perfect person. I imagine too much about my life, I sometimes hope too much too.

And the problem is that not all plans or things are going to be as perfect as how I wish it is. It is sometimes getting out of my plans, it turned out to be something that is making me stressed or even depressed. I sometimes hate myself, like why I want everything to be perfect, why I'm that kind of perfectionist person.

Till one day it hit me. Really hard. And I think of everything. People may think that I have a happy life, people may see that I laugh, but one thing they never know, everytime I go back home after hanging out or something, me myself use to sit for minutes or even hours just to think about what had happened when I was going out. Did I say something wrong? Or did I do something wrong?

It kills me if there is. It's hard being all nice and perfect, but it kills me even harder if I'm not.

Then I start to think do I really deserve this? Acting all good when I can't even smile to myself. I often lay awake at night just think do I have my happiness, or do I deserve a happiness? I start telling myself to not expect too much from everything, to just let it flow and let it be. To just enjoy the moments. Cause doing something silly sometimes more fun than being all planned.

Though it's hard when I started to do that, but the effect now is I didn't think that much, I didn't feel like it's my job to make everyone pleased. Though till today lay awake at night is still like a habit for me, but laying awake now is more for myself and God. Yeah, I started to be more open to God. It helps. A lot actually.

I talked to God for hours. I thank Him everyday, for every breath and health He gives me. I thank Him for the good or even bad things that happen to me. I feel more of a grateful person now. It's good to have someone to talked to, but what make is great is that I talked to Him, The father for those who believe.

And what I'm amazed of His greatness is that no matter how bad I am, no matter how ungrateful I am in the past, or maybe now, He is still here, and He is here for those who wants to talk to Him, those who wants to be open up with Him. It feels so great.

And for me Happiness is more about your relation with your God.

Last but not the least

Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like and  celebrating it for everything that it is.

Every sixty seconds that you spent upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

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yours truly,

Shintya Theresha Silvana